1. Computers that smell like they came from a bar.  In case you missed it, computers have fans that blow air through them.  If your computer smells like it’s a chain smoker, it’s not something I want in my office.

2. Computers that have never been updated… ever.  Companies put out updates for a reason.  It makes things work better and keeps your computer from getting viruses and malware.  Removing a virus that could have been prevented by a patch released before I graduated from high school… NOT at the top of my list of things to do today.  Please install updates.  For me?

3. Computers that you have tried to repair yourself.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, please don’t touch it.  If you think you might know what you’re doing, still don’t touch it.  If you are 99% sure you know what you’re doing, call me so I can tell you to not touch it.

4. Computers or mobile devices that have layers of your grime on them.  Putting my hands on something that looks like you’ve used it as a dinner plate… not cool.  Putting my hands on something that looks, feels, and smells like you used it at the gym… also not cool.

5. Computers with fur.  This has happened.  If your computer contains the remnants of your last three pets, there is a problem.

6. Computers that contain someone’s porn collection.  I don’t care if you have a 13-year-old son who’s just learning how to use the internet.  I don’t care if your husband has nothing better to do while he’s at home being useless.  I don’t want to see it.

End of Line.

On a normal long drive, I make the effort to attach my headset in advance of putting the car into drive.  This means I’ve already gotten the headset out, untangled, and plugged in.  Thankfully, mine is not wireless and I don’t have to worry about the little battery light…

On the other hand, what happens when I forget to prepare in advance for the possibility of a random phone call from my mother?  (I will preface the following with this:  I understand that it is entirely unnecessary for me to be on the phone while driving and that complete silence is perfectly acceptable and that really a car is just a means to get from point A to point B… I could go on.  Let’s assume for a moment that I’m an irrational human being who feels like the world will end if I don’t answer my phone or call my mother while I’m driving.)  Well, before the law was passed, I would have just answered and held the phone to my ear.   No problem.  Now, I’m forced to get the headset out.  So, what does that look like?   I hear the phone ring.  ”Oh, crap.  Where is my headset?!”   I take my eyes off the road to look at the seat next to me.  ”Where is it?!”  I glance back at the road long enough to plot out my potential course for the next 5 seconds and then resume my search.  I find the headset in between the seats and start pulling.  It won’t come out.  ”WTF?!”  I realize that it has somehow wedged its way down further than I could have possibly imagined.  On top of that, it’s become entangled with the other 16 chargers and A/V cables that I have.  I grab the mass and drop it on my lap to start untangling.  At this point, the phone has already stopped ringing, but I’m on a mission.  I cannot let the cable get the best of me.  Moments later, I have finished untangling enough of the mass that I have separated the headset from its grasp.   Both of the rubber earbud covers are still properly attached at this point.  I’m thrilled that I don’t have to go in search of those as well.  I start to hold it up triumphantly when I feel another pull.  ”Seriously, what are you caught on now?”   The end of the cable has magically wrapped itself back around my armrest.  I gently hang the earbud end of the cable around some part of my steering column and start moving the cable around until the armrest releases its death grip.  At this point I’ve managed to get the headset to a point where I can plug it in to my phone.  ”Great, I’m set, I just need to put it in my ears.”  So, I attach the clip to my shirt and look down again to grab the earpieces.  I pick up the first one and put it in the appropriate ear.  (Yes, I do pay attention to the little L and R markings.)  I take the second one in my hand and start to put it in when I notice that it’s happened again… the stupid little rubber piece from the earbud is missing!  ”How in the world did it manage to fall off?!  It was just there!!”   Without this piece, my ear will feel like someone has attached a razor blade to the earbud, so I’m determined to find this before using the headset.  Eventually, I manage to find the piece, which has somehow made its way to the middle of the passenger seat next to me.  About ten minutes after I start this whole process, I’m ready to make the return call… and start paying attention to the road in front of me.

1. The guy who goes through the “employees only” door.  I mean, really?  There’s a sign (usually).  And if there isn’t, doesn’t it occur to you that everyone else is going to the customer service counter to be served?  Seriously, there is no way that you missed that.  Just because you can open the door and enter the back room doesn’t mean you should.  Not only does it make you look like a tool, but the employees feel trapped when you do that.  Their space has been violated.  How would you feel if the mail man came in your back door and dropped your mail on the table and acted like nothing was unusual about it?  Don’t go where you don’t have permission to go.  You’re not that special.

2. The student whose mommy writes him a note to get out of homework. I’m sorry, you had how many other classes to do homework for last night?  6?  So did everyone else.  And you had what after school activity?  Oh, right, so did four other people in this class.  You had to get your BMW washed last night?  I’m sorry to hear that.  Joey had to work last night to help pay for the insurance on his 1991 Mercury Tracer.  He managed to get the homework done.  What’s this?  Your mom wrote you a note?  I don’t really care.  If everyone else can get it done, so can you.  You’re not that special.

This sense of entitlement that we see all around us is getting out of control.  Parents teach their children that they’re special.  Sure, your kid is special to you.  Not gonna argue there.  You know what, though… if your kid is getting average grades in school, they probably aren’t getting average grades because they have some sort of learning disability.  I know you’d like to think that, but let’s be real here… someone has to be average.  As a matter of fact, someone has to be BELOW average.  Hence, an average.  Or, get this: your kid may just not care.  Yes, that’s right, motivation is a factor.  That being said, please, get your kid tested for everything under the sun.  Just don’t be surprised when there isn’t a disability or genuine hyperactivity problem.

And, how about those traffic laws?  Yeah, I won’t go into that or we’ll be here all day…

So, go on, feel special.  But don’t expect me to treat you like royalty when you come breaking my door down to complain about some problem you’re having.  And don’t come in my room without knocking first.

Yes, that’s right.  I’m going to give you several steps to being fed, er…friend-making.  By request of a friend

1.  Identify your target.  This is extremely important.  The target you choose needs to be intelligent enough to prepare your food well, but not so intelligent as to see through your ulterior motive for friendship.

2.  Prepare the target for friendship.  Casual conversation gets you an “in” and you take it from there.  You have to be an acquaintance before you can be a friend.  Quick greetings and comments are ideal.  Bring a snack food with you and offer them some.

3.  Engage the target in more extensive conversation.  You need to find out the target’s likes and dislikes so you can form a bond.  Listen carefully in conversation and don’t be afraid to ask questions.  ”So, what’re you up to this weekend?”  Share some of your plans or interests and see how they respond.  You need to find out what they’re into so you can find common interests.  If you have no common interests, become interested in their interests.  Hopefully, food is a common interest…

4.  Invite your target to share a meal with you.  Lunch is ideal.

5.  Try to engage in a second, home-cooked meal with your target.  Make sure to sample their recipes in a strategic way (such as a potluck or getting yourself invited to a dinner party at their house).

6.  Provide the target with gifts.  Something simple, not overwhelming.  A six-pack of beer or a bottle of wine would be ideal.  It will make the target less aware that you are taking advantage of their cooking.

7.  Invite your target to events.  Use those shared interests that you learned about (or created)… Get them involved in things that they like.  This will make them more open to inviting you home with them for more food.

8.  Be prepared to repeat.  It is an on-going process.  You will need to continue listening to the person and being equally forthcoming with information about yourself.   If you don’t want to get too personal, don’t ask them personal questions.  Also, continue to provide occasional small gifts of appreciation when you are invited to eat their food.

That’s how it’s done.  If you have any questions or require demonstration, I’d be happy to provide answers or further guidance.

1. Why is it difficult to plow more than 1.25 lanes?  It’s been like a week…

2. Why do some people seem to think traffic signals are irrelevant when there is snow on the ground?

3. Who in their right mind would jog down the right hand lane of a major road with headphones on in the same direction as traffic? (Related to snow due to a lack of sidewalk clearance.)

General Questions:

1. Why do people remove the keys from keyboards in public labs?

2. How do error messages not seem important to some people?

3. Why, after trying the same thing twice and having it blow up in your face, would you try it again?

Perhaps I will find answers to these some day…

Things I’ve used to accomplish getting all the coins:

1. You Tube – If you subscribed to Nintendo Power back in the day, you’d buy Player’s Guides through their catalog.  Now, everything we need is online.  Don’t pretend you’ve never used stuff online to help you out.  Here’s an example:

2. There is an awesome game guide at http://www.gamespot.com/features/6239398/index.html?om_act=convert&om_clk=gameguides&tag=gameguide;title;1

In the process of trying to beat the game, I’ve over-thought some of the levels.  Think simple.  If there is a door, try it.  The above video actually demonstrates a level in which I was able to find the secret exit but ran past the standard exit about 5 times before I stopped to try getting to the blocked off door.  My bad.

You can watch the craziness of the final level below.  It was RIDICULOUS to get through the last part of the castle (about 3:30 into the video).  We’re talking beads of sweat running down my forehead. Okay, maybe not.  But close.  I’m not looking forward to doing that again.

I would definitely recommend this game to anyone.  And I have.  And they’re hooked.  WIN

Simply put, I don’t come to work to coddle other people.  We are all there to earn a paycheck and contribute the best of our professional selfs.  This includes team work, communication, and basic respect of others.  Lately, I have found myself questioning why some people feel they deserve more respect and attention than others.  If recent college graduates can’t use their lack of professional experience as an excuse in the workplace, is it really fair seasoned employees use their age and diminishing brain capacity as their excuse?  I understand change becomes difficult as you get older because you feel threatened.  Even now, I do my best to remain on top of technology and attempt to understand the resources available to more efficiently do my job.  I honestly can’t even imagine what it will be like 30 years from now, but I can face reality.  I will need to constantly remember how annoying older people were when I was younger and try to avoid replicating that very same behavior.

There are some basic things technology now allows us to do so that we are able to complete our daily tasks independently.  For instance, file sharing and e-mail have both immensely helped efficiency in the workplace.  We no longer have to ask others for most information.  We can simply pull up a file and find the information ourselves.  Now I believe our dependence on e-mail is the best thing since sliced bread.  Respective employees can all read one e-mail and do their part to get the job done.  Employees no longer have to stand in front of others begging for their attention to help with a matter.  Obviously there are times a face-to-face chat is more efficient, but this is rare and perhaps abused by the folks who do not want to learn technological advances.  Within the next decade, most of the working force will have grown up using the internet to complete majority of tasks so we should see less puzzled faces, but unfortunately perhaps more frazzled e-mails.  Listen, I have no problem working through an assignment with someone but they need to be willing to try.  In many cases, if I knew I was going to have to spell out each step I would have gone ahead and done it myself.

This leads to my final point.  Perhaps if I did have more patience, I would be better able to help folks complete their daily tasks and they would be able to do it independently in the future. Ha, who am I kidding… if they haven’t learned it by now, they are never going to learn.  Well unless their kids teach them…

Yes, the random color lines on your laptop LCD are a bad thing.  Yes, it is probably related to you dropping it from 5 feet in the air.  Even if I take it apart and put it back together again, it will still look like that.  No, I will not solder the broken pieces of the LCD board back together to fix it.  I don’t have the time, ability, patience, or equipment to do that.  I’m sorry that it’s out of warranty.   Not that the warranty will cover your accidental damage.

Yes, the fact that one by one your USB ports have stopped working is a bad sign.  It is not coincidental that the model computer you are using is known for having problems with the capacitors on the motherboard.  Yes, there is a chance that something on your hard drive could get damaged if you continue to use it as is.  No, it does not make any sense whatsoever for me to attempt to correct the software related problems you’re having if the computer has significant hardware problems.

Yes, your computer does need significant upgrades.  I can help you do that, but not without it costing a lot of money.  No, it doesn’t actually seem logical to me to upgrade something that is 5 years out of warranty and thus 10 years old.  In the end it will cost you significantly less to buy a whole new unit.  Yes, despite my better judgment I will put in the replacement parts.  No, I cannot guarantee they will work properly.

Yes, the clicking noise that comes from inside your computer is bad.  It is a sign that the hard drive is dying.  No, I cannot give you an estimate of how much longer it will last.  It may not work the next time you reboot the computer.  I can’t even guarantee we will be able to get all of your data from it at this point.  No, I would not recommend waiting until your return from your three-week trip to Greece.   Yes, I do recommend doing a backup as soon as possible if you can.  No, putting it on the second partition of the same hard drive does not ensure your data is safe.  That sort of defeats the purpose.

1. Select a location with good food. My mom was concerned about this.  When I told her where I was spending my day snowed in, she let out a sigh of relief that my dietary needs would be met.  Nothing sucks more than realizing that you have nothing interesting or substantial to eat while you’re snowed in.

2. Select a location with people who won’t annoy you for two days straight and whom you won’t annoy.  Seriously.  Make sure that your friends aren’t ones who are going to ruin it for you!  My friends go through a rigorous screening process, so they’re all awesome and I don’t have this problem. And don’t ruin it for everyone else.  If you’re the annoying one, don’t go make someone else’s snow day miserable.

3. Bring extra underwear.  If you aren’t expecting to get snowed in, this can be a problem.  So, don’t make it a problem if you are planning to get snowed in.

4. Bring a couple of fun things to do, including something you can do by yourself.  That way, if you wake up early or need some space or don’t want to do what everyone else is doing you have options.  This helps lower the annoyance factor as mentioned in number 2.

My brother texted me the first morning of this snow storm: “This storm is legen… Wait for it…….. dary.  Legendary.”  He was right.

1. They make an effort to communicate.  Sometimes to the point of being annoying.  This means they call you when they want to talk to you… and they have a desire to talk to you often.

2. They want to spent a LOT of time with you.  If you are hanging out, they will find a reason to see you again the next day if they can.

3. They will get embarrassed if their friends make fun of them in front of you.  Probably because they don’t want you to think they’re a loser.

4. They are and show they are genuinely concerned about your happiness, comfort, and tastes among other things.  Asking you about your day, for example.

5. They will try to make things convenient for you, like offering to make the long drive to your apartment instead of asking you to trek to theirs.

6. They try to integrate themselves into your world.  That means they make an attempt to get to know your friends (and family, if nearby).  They will also try things that you are into, such as watching a TV show you like or playing your favorite sport.

7. They try to integrate you into their world.  They will show you activities they are into so that you can hopefully enjoy those as well.

8. They remember when you mention something you’d like to have and get that for you.  Usually this happens on a gift-giving occasion such as a birthday or Christmas.

9. They are not afraid to announce to the world that they are dating you.  This means they will tell their friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers that they have a girlfriend (at the appropriate point in conversation, of course).  This is something they will display in their Facebook relationship status.

10. They will do random nice things for you, such as pick you up your favorite snack from the store before dropping in or get you flowers when you are having a bad day.